listening to slayer in bed while crying while chugging wine

why do i run from everything ever. could i not just act like a normal human sometimes. i feel like i’m digging my very own grave. are things really so scary that i have to avoid them completely. is it just an inconsistency in my brain or do i really have to hide under a rock and seclude myself to feel safe. do i have to ruin good things in my life on purpose, is it a habit or am i punishing myself. I cant seem to let myself have what i want.  i haven’t talked to anyone in a while. I cant even let myself have friends anymore. I’ve gone through so many good friends, and i dont know how i keep loosing them. one minute they’re there and the next im avoiding their calls. and then i end up genuinely missing them even though i self sabotaged all of these friendships myself. the only one who really stuck through was jody, even though ive done plenty wrong. but the thing is when im fucking up my friendships i don’t even realize what i’m doing, its like i don’t have a choice. my body is doing one thing while my brain is on red alert ‘victoria what the fuck are you doing get your head straight’. I am a pile of bad judgement and impulsiveness, avoidance and self pity/hatred. in the end i’m just sad that ive become so alone, but i know its completely my own fault (and i know exactly how to not be alone, but something in me wont let me fix it).