my last name means fern, just gonna change my name to that.
i hate myself, living with borderline personality is like living with a really ugly person on the inside of you that comes out whenever you feel any sort of emotion. and you cant control it. i just want to not feel crazy. i just want to stop ruining my life over and over and over. when will i stop? i feel like the only way itll ever stop is when im dead. therapy is bullshit, medication makes me feel even more insane. my family isn’t willing to support my crazy ass emotionally anymore, they’ve had enough/given up on me. thank god for my friends. ive managed to steer clear of drugs since breaking up with my ex, but drinking is so hard to say no too. but liquor makes it extremely difficult for me to control my emotions. which enables me to say a lot of things i dont even really feel i get so angry. which is a new emotion for me my whole life i never felt anger just sadness. and now its all i feel. when i even feel anything i feel pretty fucking empty most of the time. which i kind of enjoy, feeling nothing mean i dont give a fucking shit about anything. /bleh end rant i want to fucking die right now. what do i even do about it?
but it’s all the same thing. i cut my skin because i was ugly and i made myself uglier. i hate my life so i make it worse. and it’s not like i don’t know how fucked up, obvious and backward that is. it’s just the only way to cope, to punish myself for everything i do because my existence is a mistake and i am a nuclear bomb and things will never grow again in the places i have been
Every single word of this.
The body monitoring though.
as a teen i never knew any one else monitored their bodies like that. it was such a constant thing for me, i would (and sometimes still do) do it even when i am home alone. its so fucked up
ive never done it on anyone else yet so i feel like i would need some practice before i asked for any sort of compensation
eternal fuck up
LMAO I AM THE BESTTTTTTT
i get really sad when i think about the vitiligo i used to have on my knees that went away :( i miss them. at least i stiill got ma feets.