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i feel like ive alienated myself. things that i was able to do before seem so distant and unatural now. i feel as though i might never be capable of romance. looking at pictures of people kissing is the strangest. i dont think i could feel that strongly about someone in that way ever. Peoples minds how do they work. how do they look what are they thinking. i need to know what your thinking. I watched you snort cocaine the other night. i dont know what to think anymore. everyones actions just seem so distant. i think a part of it is that i cant do alot of the things my peers are doing and i now see what i used to do, what everyone else seems to do as kind of dumb. But a part of my brain keeps reminding me that we all just die anyways. probably whats changed for me is that i have a reason to live. a reason to not smoke that cigarette and cherish that 5 minutes of my life i get to keep. and with that out there i have to be somewhat responsible and make logical choices or something. and seeing people be irresponsible and do “crazy things” frustrates me because i no longer look at it the way i used to when i had no reason to live and no reason to give a shit about my actions. when nothing mattered i could do anything. now something matters and i feel obligated to give a shit. I have self resperct now??? its boring getting mature or whatever this new thing is. (i think of it as my motherly instincts kicking in early) i just feel likeeeeeee i can no longer relate to people everyones so caught up in partying while i have to find other passtimes to be interested in like cooking, working out and cleaning (strange but true, there is only so much to do when yr at home on the weekends and weeknights)… i feel like im getting 10x more boring. but i guess i cant help it. as much as i would like to be sitting on the floor with you snorting coke i enjoy my sobriety/hermit life. i never much liked people anyways…

its hard seeing people not giving a shit. i think thats what bothers me most.

work work work. makes me so fat. stuffing and mufffins and lemon water. im in baby love. no sex till marriage. maybe i should have been a nun. Pregnant is the new skinny. sleep is for the week. new wireless headphones that work like a dream. new socks. new everything. should not be spending so much but who cares. pay phone bill light your head on fire.

dec 22 - christmas work get together. dec 31 - work work work

home at three work at seven

will i ever have some sleep?

i love sleeping. i love cooking dinner while listening to Christmas music. i love hanging out with my cats. I love every moment i spend not on the internet. i love my fetus. i love daydreaming about kissing. I love pretending. i love not eating sea food (praise the fish).

i hate my brothers. i hate rules. i hate crying at work. i hate crying all the time. i hate being a a bitch. i hate drunk teenagers and liquor breath. i hate how my pants don’t fit anymore. i hate sexual encounters. i hate everyone/anyone. i hate listening to girls talk.

i wish my family could be turned into cats that i had to take care of. I wish i didn’t stop speaking French. i wish i knew my dad. i wish i knew the names of my relatives. i wish i could remember everything/forget nothing. i wish i lived alone. i wish i lived not here.

band aids are a bitch to take off. nutella/banana/strawberry crepes. i need to find time to shop. my next two weeks are so buzzzy. i came to class so i could sit here and write this blog. im so productive. he he he. my breasts are gigantic for my size. i want to know what you are. i cant wait for you to kick. i want to listen to your heart all day. also i want to give you K-K-KISSES (thats munay hunay). i want to sleep all day. i want to know how to drive now. gahhhhhhhhhh

you are being unusually nice to me. laptop fixed. new phone. ipod touch back. payed phone bill. new bed. happy all round except for the fact that at work i started crying for no reason what is wrong with me. i read that my mood swings should curb within the next couple weeks (thank god). baking/cooking while listening to christmas music is all i do. you are childish in every fucking way if you have a problem with me being somewhere that your going to be dont get mad at the host you can take it up with me. i need texting buddies. my bed is heavenly, i could lay in it all day.